Crossing Over and Letting Go
Sometimes a situation happens in our life that seems to come out of nowhere and interrupts the flow of our life. Often we are moving along seemingly on autopilot when suddenly an event jolts us out of our routine and causes us to change course. That’s what happened to me exactly five years ago today. My boss was in the process of selling his company. He had a beautiful lakehouse that he had spent the prior year preparing so that he could slow down and enjoy it with his family. He had prepared several of us for this transition in the prior year and he let us know that not much would change since he had planned to continue working with all of us as a consultant for the company. I was fully anticipating this change but I wasn’t prepared for what happened next.
A new journey
Working with him at that company had been a gift to me in so many ways. If I hadn’t received a message in my inbox from someone at the company, I may not have known that this position even existed. I had tried in prior years to find a new job several times, but during the recession, it had been impossible so I continued to tough it out in the role I was in. When this new position finally came along it seemed that nothing I said or did would stop the door from opening. I remember the day I was hired very clearly. I was crossing over the Sunshine Skyway Bridge to the office for my interview when I realized that the folder I had with my resume inside was sitting on my kitchen counter 2 1/2 hours away. I spoke a quick prayer aloud… “Lord, if this is meant to be you have to make this happen because I’ve got nothing.” Thankfully I had sent my resume prior to the interview and they didn’t mind my embarrassing mistake. I sat in this corner conference room eight floors up with wrap-around windows that overlooked the beautiful sparkling ocean. My then-future boss sat across the table from me and we were discussing how so many things seemed to line up perfectly for me to step into this new position. I still remember the twinkle in his eye when he looked up at me and said, “It’s destiny.” He seemed to have complete confidence in me from the very beginning, more than I had in myself at the time. I told my closest friends that it felt as if Father God was using this older man to help pull me out of an ash heap.
A sudden change
I loved just about everything about my role there. I had always excelled in positions where I worked closely with clients and I enjoyed traveling and being on the set at photoshoots. It offered me a lot of involvement within my local community too which I enjoyed and I often worked from home which was a bonus. I had so much respect and admiration for my boss which caused me only to want to improve and work harder. He treated his employees like family and he always made sure our clients were well taken care of too. I traveled to the office about once a month to meet with my coworkers and collaborate on projects. At the start of 2018, the company was transitioning to the new owners who I had already met so I was in town for the introductions to be made. When I arrived at the office my boss was nowhere to be found and I remember that my heart sank. Intuitively, I knew something was terribly wrong and a confirmation of what I sensed came later that week when I was informed that he had just been diagnosed with a late-stage brain tumor.
Journeying through the fog
A month later, one February morning I was crossing over the Sunshine Skyway bridge yet again when I was engulfed with a thick fog. I spoke aloud rather sarcastically, “Well, this is appropriate.” It perfectly depicted the way that I felt at that time. I heard the whisper of the Holy Spirit at that very moment say “I know you can’t see where you are going right now but trust that I know where you are going and that’s all that matters.” I snapped this quick photo to capture what was profoundly palpable. I knew deep in my gut that the season was shifting and I felt as if I should be moving on but I didn’t know how to move on or where to move on to.
A sudden loss
The following week I was at the office again and I heard of a shooting at our niece’s school in Parkland, Florida that took the life of seventeen children. Then, just two days later my boss took his last breath and crossed over into eternity. I was so thankful that our niece survived that shooting but I was also heartbroken at the loss of my boss. The events of that week reminded me of the impermanence of life. It caused me to examine the direction I was heading and how I would want to live the rest of my life. My boss had worked so hard for so many years and was about to enjoy the fruits of his labor when he was diagnosed with cancer. “What’s it all for?” I began to ask. “Why am I doing this?” So much change happened in the months that followed. I’ve always considered myself a very adaptable person but that year it felt like everything was imploding within me. Some people assumed at the time that I just needed to find a new job but it was more than that. I had this nagging sense that I was out of alignment with my purpose and I didn’t know what to do to fix that.
A turning point
In June of that year, I went on a women’s retreat several hours away from home. It was just a few days prior to my thirty-fifth birthday. Somehow I found out about the retreat before it was even announced so I was able to attend even though it was limited to just twenty-five people. The leader was someone I watched from afar that helped me to understand the ways God speaks in dreams. I received so much from that time including confirmation of some things that God had spoken to me in prior years with regard to ministry. She shared her story of how God called her to walk away from her career to do what God was calling her to do in ministry and my spirit stood at attention. I resonated with what she said because seven years earlier I had scribbled in my journal that I sensed God was one day going to ask me to leave my career without knowing what was next. I didn’t know how this would happen as I felt like I didn’t have a choice but to stay where I was. I wasn’t sure that my husband would even be comfortable with me taking a risk like that. It was also hard to see beyond my current career because it seemed to become so much of my identity. God saw more in me than I could see in myself.
Learning to let go
Have you ever found yourself trying to hold onto something that you know deep down you need to let go of? That was me. I had been white-knuckling the steering wheel of my life and trying to hold onto any semblance of what was. I wanted to go back to the way things had been before, but there was no going back. I continued to push forward assuring myself that I would adapt and things would get better. As the months passed I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I was so stressed out and I found myself getting angry and snapping at those around me…something I wouldn’t ordinarily do. I didn’t like who I was becoming and I had hit my breaking point. I remember one September day I was sitting in the living room with my husband after I finished work for the day and I broke down. My husband looked at me and said “You can’t do this anymore. It’s time for you to move on.” I told him that I didn’t see a way out. We had a good conversation and he was so supportive and suggested some options.
In the weeks that followed I was reading Matthew 14, the story of Peter huddled in the boat with the other disciples while Jesus was walking on the water. Peter says to Jesus (I’m paraphrasing) “If it’s really you, ask me to join you on the water.” Jesus calls him to come out of the boat and Peter follows and he walks on water! He later sinks because he looks at the wind and waves instead of Jesus but that’s beside the point. He is the only one courageous enough to cross over the side of the boat, let go and walk on the water. In the same week I was reading a book that referenced the same story and this line jumped off the page at me. My spirit leaped as I read these words…
“Let Go! Let go of the boat!”
Whenever God is showing me something multiple times I know I need to pay attention. While I was shopping a few days later I saw some necklaces for sale with keys on them. I’ve always been drawn to keys and I have a key necklace I’ve worn since I was in college. Most of the keys were gold and said things like love, joy, hope. I tend to wear silver and I noticed that there was only one silver necklace but it was flipped around so I couldn’t see the word that was stamped on it. When I turned it over it said “Let Go”.
“Ok, I get the picture, Lord!”
God will use anything to speak to you. Of course, he most often uses the scripture but he will use many things to confirm his word or even point you to scripture. He will speak to you in whatever personal way he can use to get your attention. If he used a donkey to speak to Balaam he can use anything he wants to speak to you. I will share more on this in the future. I’ve noticed that he loves to drop these little breadcrumb trails to draw us closer to him and cause us to ask questions. He loves to have conversations with us.
These messages weren’t the only thing he used to capture my attention at that time. He revealed to me in very clear dreams that he was about to move me into a new season. All of these things gave me the courage to step out and follow him. I finally decided to let go of the boat. I was excited about the new season ahead. My husband and I had made a plan and I thought we had it all figured out. Little did I know that just around the corner was a Wilderness landscape that God was leading me into.
Let Go
Maybe you find yourself in a similar place. Maybe things have suddenly shifted and you’re feeling like you’re in a fog. Maybe you sense that God is prompting you to let go of something that you’re holding onto. Just because God once led you to a particular place doesn’t mean that it’s his plan forever. Just as it says in Ecclesiastes…for everything there is a season. You might be afraid to let go because of the uncertainty ahead but you’ll never see what God will do with your life if you keep holding onto something he’s asking you to let go of. Trust him enough to let go and follow him no matter what the journey might be like. An adventure awaits you as you cross over into a new season.
